Truth, Justice, Freedom [under fire]

Politics can be mundane, but rarely boring

Craig’s List Jeep Ad – Manly Stuff

with 11 comments


Every once in a while, something good  comes along, and it gives me hope for the planet and my nation…not very often these days, but once in a while it happens.

A (not quite a)”Gentleman” was selling his Jeep Sahara on Craig’s List and wrote a piece of Americana Poetry as an ad for it.

The ad appears to my jaded eye to cover everything there is to being a stereotypical Red-Neck American Male…and I like it. I’m not absolutely positive about this, but I think I grew more chest hair just reading the ad.

Here in all its glory – The Ad:Craigslist-Jeep

I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.

You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.

So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.

This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.

It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.

If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.

If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.

And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.

If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….

1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. Penis enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
17. Promotions.
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.

Put your GPS back in your purse.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.

But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.

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Written by Gar Swaffar

November 11, 2013 at 4:30 am

Posted in Re-Thinking

11 Responses

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  1. I would have chosen the third one, Gar. Guess this isn’t for me, eh?

    Mrs. AL

    November 11, 2013 at 10:55 am

    • If i had the money I’d buy it because my car went down (motor shot) 3 days before Hawk died. This would be so much fun and being a woman I’m sure there would be many comments. LOL~!
      Good post Gar.

      pepperhawk

      November 11, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      • And you would deserve that Jeep Pepp, and for some reason I think it would suit you to a T – making those Little Girlie Liberal Quasi-Men very jealous

        Gar Swaffar

        November 11, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    • Make-up mirrors are optional…for special people

      Gar Swaffar

      November 11, 2013 at 5:05 pm

      • Hehe. In reality, I couldn’t handle this Jeep. It would be too much for me. I still haven’t driven my husband person’s mid-size truck. Personally I prefer a manual transmission but only in little, less powerful vehicles. I be a wimp!

        Mrs. AL

        November 12, 2013 at 9:18 am

      • I’ll just bet you could handle that Jeep better than any man in San Francisco.

        Gar Swaffar

        November 14, 2013 at 4:24 am

      • Gar, thanks. I would make those girlie men blush. LOL! And I don’t need a make up mirror also since I don’t wear any. I just go bare faced. Hawk thought I looked great without make up and that was good enough for me. It would suit me to a T like you said.

        pepperhawk

        November 17, 2013 at 1:15 pm

  2. Good shot at SF. And that’s sad. It’s actually a very pretty city, IMO.

    Mrs. AL

    November 14, 2013 at 9:41 am

    • Pretty? As long as you stay away from the Tenderloin District, the Embarkadero district, the Haight-Ahbury district and most of downtown…? Sure. It’s actually almost as dirty as most of New York in all those areas and it smells bad too.
      Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39, Golden Gate Park, and most of the headlands area are exceptionally nice though.

      Gar Swaffar

      November 15, 2013 at 3:04 am

      • I was only in the exceptionally nice places when I travelled on business, Gar. To me, they represent SF. I never got off the beaten paths when I travelled. Not enough time.

        SF was in stark contrast to Manhattan. What a hole.

        Mrs. AL

        November 15, 2013 at 10:07 am

      • Better than Manhattan? Yep, that’s for sure. Most of NY I’ve seen would have qualified for Toxic Waste site status. I’ve noticed that every large city on the planet I’ve visited has it’s own ‘smell’, Kowloon was the worst, but NY was a close #2.

        Gar Swaffar

        November 17, 2013 at 5:05 am


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